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IELTS Writing: concise, clear, coherent

These three words sum up the writing style that I aim to teach. Let's look at an example.

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I asked students on my member site to do the following:

  1. Give a second* benefit of robots and machines.
  2. Explain the benefit or give an example.

*We had already written about the first benefit.

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A student's response to this task:

Another possible advantage is the utilization of artificial intelligence and its usefulness in human life. Computer machines can deal with complex, detailed, and intricate dilemmas which, when done with humans, there are potentials errors and their ramifications. This could be exemplified with computers that program cars’ engines and gear shifts, especially for high-tech and hybrid cars. A small margin of error might end up with mechanical or, even in a worst-case scenario, a total system failure.

My response to the same task:

Another advantage of artificial intelligence is that it can deal with complex calculations without making mistakes. For example, robots can perform complex surgical procedures with a level of accuracy that is far beyond that of a human surgeon.

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Analysis:

The student's response isn't concise, and in places I don't think it is clear or coherent. Can you see why? And can you see why my response more closely exemplifies the "three Cs" style?

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